A short sketch from back in the day…
INT. TALK SHOW STUDIO — DAY
A rapt audience waits anxiously for America’s hottest new age “ghost whisperer”, the abrasive and obnoxious, DANNY DIXON.
Danny ENTERS to wild applause.
Hello, and welcome to “The Other Side Of Life.” I’m your host and psychic guide,
Danny Dixon and I…. hold on, wait a minute, someone is coming through.
Danny stumbles/staggers holding his head. He is getting a message from the great beyond.
Danny moves on down the line.
Okay, I’m getting something over here.
Something strong…, It’s, uh…
Danny stops. He stares down at an overweight, profusely sweating man in the front row.
You, sir. It’s you. You fucking stink. Get up, get out of here. You’re ruining my show.
I can’t contact the dead with your fat ass stinking up the joint. Jesus, a
little bit of deodorant wouldn’t fucking kill you.
Security pulls the man from his seat and escorts him off the set.
Danny moves on.
A man coughs in the audience. How dare he.
Danny stops dead in his tracks.
The man covers his mouth, but he is too late.
Danny zeroes in.
Georgie says, “hi”.
The man is confused. He gestures, “Who?” “Me?”
Danny goes in for the kill.
Yes, you… I’m talking with your dead gay lover, sir.
I’m not gay and I don’t know anyone named Georgie.
The man’s wife stands up.
My brother’s name was George.
That’s it, that’s the connection. Your husband was doing your brother.
WIFE How could you!
Danny bows his head. Dismissive.
You were, sir, the spirits don’t lie.
Danny moves on leaving the couple quarreling.
Whoa… okay, okay… I’m getting. Feeling… getting…
Danny stops abruptly.
Now, who here knows the Colonel?
A large woman raises her hand.
Danny dismisses her.
Sorry, large Marge. I’m not talking about Colonel Sanders.
I’m talking about Colonel… Colonel…
A woman leaps up from her seat.
Davenport. Colonel Marcus L. Davenport.
That’s it! Colonel Marcus L. Davenport.
What does he say? Does he have a message for me!
Yes. Yes he does… He says… You still owe me two hundred and forty
two dollars… Just go ahead and pay Danny Dixon…
It’s a legally binding contract, ma’am. I’m an executor and certified debt
collector for the dead…, it’s right there on your ticket.
Danny motions for his “security detail” to follow up.
I’ll expect the cash right after the show…, thanks for coming!
Danny nods to his security team, who shake down the woman for her cash, and or credit card.
Danny continues on down the line.
Whoa! I feel a strong presence here.
Danny stops and throws his arm in the air.
Wendy Reynolds… Wendy Reynolds are you here?
A woman stands up.
I’m Wendy Reynolds!
Do you remember Delores? Delores Garcia?
Wendy shrinks back. She’s scared.
Danny tilts his head – he’s listening to the dead.
Oh, really now? Because she certainly knows you…
You were having an affair with her husband, Ernesto. Weren’t you. And didn’t you,
in fact, cut the brake lines on her car… causing her to drive off a cliff
and plunge to her death not one week ago today?
No. No. It’s not true. I didn’t mean to…
She plunged, Wendy, she plunged. Don’t make me unleash the
demons of hell to haunt your every waking moment, tell Danny the truth.
I didn’t do it, I swear!
Demons, Wendy, I’m talking angry fucking demons here… real biblical shit… Hell hounds, fire, brimstone, full Abba soundtrack…, the whole kitten kaboodle.
She… I… I am guilty. I am so damn guilty! I killed her. I killed her.
Wendy breaks down and is helped away by security.
There ya go… Let’s see America’s Most Wanted top that!
The crowd goes wild with applause.
Meanwhile, Danny revels in his schtick.
Oh, yeah… feeling it over here… Got some… oh, wait… hold on…
Big spirit says got time for just one more tonight…
The CROWD SIGHS…. awwwww!
Danny looks up at the audience.
I’ve got someone coming through. Ji–Jim, I’m getting a Jim, James…
A man springs up from his seat.
Davis Rupert Mccain Gleason Mcnulty Williams, the IVth?
Um… uh, yeah, sure…
What’s he say? What’s he say?
He says… sit down you dumb ass. This is a message from a guy named Jim.
A beautiful woman stands up. Absolutely gorgeous.
My late husband owned a gym? Could that be it?
Danny licks his chops.
Oh, hell yeah, … that’s it. And…, let me guess, you’ve been a little lonely, since…,
since he’s been gone…, haven’t you?
The woman shyly nods.
Today was our fifth wedding anniversary.
Danny closes his eyes…, he’s receiving a vibe.
Okay…, okay…, whoa…, no way…, Gene…, and that was your dear departed
husband’s name. I know because we just spoke. He’s just asked me to…, Hold
on…, Gene, are you sure? Okay, okay…, if you insist…, anything for a pal! Gene wants
me to make dirty monkey love to you tonight…, it’s his way of saying, Happy Anniversary!
The woman freezes…, then jumps in the air.
Yes…, oh, yes!
Danny checks his watch.
Well, looky there. That’s all the time we have for today. So, from all
of us at the “Other Side Of Life” – Where the dead come to have the final word –
I’m Danny Dixon… and I look forward to talking to you…, when you’re dead.
He takes the widow by the arm.
(winks into camera) I love my job!