Random Randomness #3 – The Danny Dixon Show

A short sketch from back in the day…

INT. TALK SHOW STUDIO — DAY

A rapt audience waits anxiously for America’s hottest new age “ghost whisperer”, the abrasive and obnoxious, DANNY DIXON.

Danny ENTERS to wild applause.

DANNY
Hello, and welcome to “The Other Side Of Life.”  I’m your host and psychic guide,
Danny Dixon and I…. hold on, wait a minute, someone is coming through.

Danny stumbles/staggers holding his head.  He is getting a message from the great beyond.

Danny moves on down the line.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Okay, I’m getting something over here.
Something strong…, It’s, uh…

Danny stops. He stares down at an overweight, profusely sweating man in the front row.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
You, sir.  It’s you.  You fucking stink.  Get up, get out of here.  You’re ruining my show.
I can’t contact the dead with your fat ass stinking up the joint.  Jesus, a
little bit of deodorant wouldn’t fucking kill you.

Security pulls the man from his seat and escorts him off the set.

Danny moves on.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Okay…, okay.

A man coughs in the audience.  How dare he.

Danny stops dead in his tracks.

The man covers his mouth, but he is too late.

Danny zeroes in.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Georgie says, “hi”.

The man is confused. He gestures, “Who?”  “Me?”

Danny goes in for the kill.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Yes, you… I’m talking with your dead gay lover, sir.

MAN
I’m not gay and I don’t know anyone named Georgie.

The man’s wife stands up.

WIFE
My brother’s name was George.

DANNY  (smiles)
That’s it, that’s the connection.  Your husband was doing your brother.

WIFE                                                                                                                                                   How could you!

MAN
What!

Danny bows his head.  Dismissive.

DANNY
You were, sir, the spirits don’t lie.

Danny moves on leaving the couple quarreling.

DANNY (CONT’D)
Whoa… okay, okay… I’m getting.  Feeling… getting…

Danny stops abruptly.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Now, who here knows the Colonel?

A large woman raises her hand.

Danny dismisses her.

DANNY
Sorry, large Marge. I’m not talking about Colonel Sanders.
I’m talking about Colonel…  Colonel…

A woman leaps up from her seat.

WOMAN
Davenport.  Colonel Marcus L. Davenport.

DANNY
That’s it!  Colonel Marcus L. Davenport.

WOMAN
What does he say?  Does he have a message for me!

DANNY
Yes.  Yes he does… He says…  You still owe me two hundred and forty
two dollars…  Just go ahead and pay Danny Dixon…

WOMAN
What?

DANNY
It’s a legally binding contract, ma’am.  I’m an executor and certified debt
collector for the dead…, it’s right there on your ticket.

Danny motions for his “security detail” to follow up.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
I’ll expect the cash right after the show…, thanks for coming!

Danny nods to his security team, who shake down the woman for her cash, and or credit card.

Danny continues on down the line.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Whoa! I feel a strong presence here.

Danny stops and throws his arm in the air.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Wendy Reynolds…  Wendy Reynolds are you here?

A woman stands up.

WOMAN
I’m Wendy Reynolds!

DANNY
Do you remember Delores?  Delores Garcia?

Wendy shrinks back.  She’s scared.

WENDY
Ah… no.

Danny tilts his head – he’s listening to the dead.

DANNY
Oh, really now? Because she certainly knows you…
(accusatory)
You were having an affair with her husband, Ernesto.  Weren’t you.  And didn’t you,
in fact, cut the brake lines on her car… causing her to drive off a cliff
and plunge to her death not one week ago today?

WENDY
No.  No.  It’s not true.  I didn’t mean to…

DANNY
She plunged, Wendy, she plunged.  Don’t make me unleash the
demons of hell to haunt your every waking moment, tell Danny the truth.

WENDY
I didn’t do it, I swear!

DANNY
Demons, Wendy, I’m talking angry fucking demons here… real biblical shit… Hell hounds, fire, brimstone, full Abba soundtrack…, the whole kitten kaboodle.

WENDY
She… I… I am guilty.  I am so damn guilty!  I killed her.  I killed her.

Wendy breaks down and is helped away by security.

DANNY
There ya go…  Let’s see America’s Most Wanted top that!

The crowd goes wild with applause.

Meanwhile, Danny revels in his schtick.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Oh, yeah… feeling it over here… Got some… oh, wait… hold on…
Big spirit says got time for just one more tonight…

The CROWD SIGHS…. awwwww!

Danny looks up at the audience.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
I’ve got someone coming through. Ji–Jim, I’m getting a Jim, James…

A man springs up from his seat.

MAN
Davis Rupert Mccain Gleason Mcnulty Williams, the IVth?

DANNY
Um… uh, yeah, sure…

MAN
What’s he say?  What’s he say?

DANNY
(concentrating)
He says… sit down you dumb ass.  This is a message from a guy named Jim.

A beautiful woman stands up.  Absolutely gorgeous.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
My late husband owned a gym?  Could that be it?

Danny licks his chops.

DANNY
Oh, hell yeah, … that’s it.  And…, let me guess, you’ve been a little lonely, since…,
since he’s been gone…, haven’t you?

The woman shyly nods.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Today was our fifth wedding anniversary.

Danny closes his eyes…, he’s receiving a vibe.

DANNY
Okay…, okay…, whoa…, no way…, Gene…, and that was your dear departed
husband’s name.  I know because we just spoke.  He’s just asked me to…, Hold
on…, Gene, are you sure?  Okay, okay…, if you insist…, anything for a pal!  Gene wants
me to make dirty monkey love to you tonight…,  it’s his way of saying, Happy Anniversary!

The woman freezes…, then jumps in the air.

WOMAN
Yes…, oh, yes!

Danny checks his watch.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
Well, looky there.  That’s all the time we have for today.  So, from all
of us at the “Other Side Of Life” – Where the dead come to have the final word –
I’m Danny Dixon… and I look forward to talking to you…, when you’re dead.

He takes the widow by the arm.

DANNY  (CONT’D)
(winks into camera)                                                                                                                                 I love my job!

THE END

Advertisements

About paul nevins

Fiction writer, reader and baseball fan.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s