Note to drug companies.
For what it’s worth…
ATTENTION: BOARD OF DIRECTORS
RE: A New Stockholder’s Input
Gentlemen,when it gets to the point where nearly half of the TV commercials touting our latest wonder drugs, (pick one, they’re all the same), are nothing more than shameless disclaimers detailing the fatal, and near-fatal side-effects one faces by taking our said wonder drug, it doesn’t do much to inspire consumer confidence among the civilians out there in the “real” world, -you know what I’m saying? It plays out cold, stone cold, my corporate brothers. Whereas back in the day we used to be about providing soothing cough syrups and totting safety-coated baby aspirins to our friends and neighbors, (back when we was all pink and blue and fuzzy and safe and shit), we’ve somehow managed to morph ourselves into a faceless black and gray evil entity, -a soulless cash-sucking stock exchange commodity only interested in turning an easy buck and curing nothing in our wake. What’s up with that? What happened to us, man? Where did our love go? Somewhere along the line we became soulless Big Pharma, – hawking chemical concoctions for bullshit ailments and laughing at the lawsuits as they pile up on our doorstep. At least, that’s the growing public perception of us, and, if left unchecked, I’m afraid the public will sour on us completely and stop self-medicating their phantom illnesses, -thereby effecting the bottom line of the pharmaceutical industry as a whole, and more importantly, the market value of my newly acquired three (3) whole shares of Bristol, Myers, Squib & Sons and Others.
Unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. Nay, I call Supreme Bullshit on this assault on my growing financial empire.
I say it’s time to flip the script and give the people what they want!
I say it’s time to put those sketchy, lame-ass, don’t get you high but you still might die, drugs out to pasture, and spend our precious advertising dollars selling America, and therefore, Americans, what they really want…, you know, the Good Stuff. The stuff you, and now me, keep in the back under lock and key. I’m talking about trotting out and selling, okay, over-hyping (pun intended), the living shit out of the relaxing and stress-reducing properties of Miss Morphine, Mister Demerol, the twins, Percocet & Percodan, and little ol’ newbie, Oxycontin, et.al, – you know, the aforementioned Good Stuff. The shit people really want. Those are our moneymakers. That’s the line we should be focusing on. That’s where the future lies. That’s the corn in the crap. And, as a stockholder, i.e., part-owner, I say, let’s quit pussy-footing around and give America what it really wants…, high quality drugs at a fair price, now!
Hell, we already own the FDA, so what’s the problem? My three shares equal three simple words, Go For It. Who’s going to stop us? A judge, not bloody likely. So, get on with it already, time’s a wastin’, grow a pair in a test tube if you need to, gentlemen, you/we have the facilities, just get this done, like pronto. Capish? I have a family to feed and an empire to build. Rome ain’t going to conquer itself, you know. (I know it did, but that’s beside the point.)
I’ve included a commercial template jut to get the ball rolling… (Feel free to use at a potentially reduced royalty rate.)
ANNOUNCER (deep voice)
“Do you sometimes get tired after working a twelve-hour day? Do you have bills that come in, like, month after month without fail? Did someone, or something piss you off at home, at work, or in traffic today, or at any other point in your life? Well, my friend, you don’t have to suffer life’s little slings and arrows anymore. I’d like to introduce you to new FUCKITALL, – yes, FUCKITALL, because, let’s face it, sometimes life just sucks and you want to fuck off for a while. Two tabs every six hours and life’s pesky rules, regulations and responsibilities just fade away…, and soon it’s like reality doesn’t even exist, because it won’t, at least not for you. That’s how good FUCKITALL is. And, we’re so sure FUCKITALL will work for you we’ll give you your first few doses of FUCKITALL for FREE, that’s right, FREE, after that just reorder when you have to, anytime day or night and we’ll be at your door in a couple of hours. Just have your cash, or credit card ready when we get there.
(Rapid fire disclaimer) People who have taken FUCKITALL have experienced some really cool shit you should probably experience too. Don’t be scared. Experiences include, but are not limited to, fun, freedom and the pursuit of happiness. Don’t take FUCKITALL if you’re a boring lame-assed stick-in-the mud who takes life too seriously. Wait a minute, strike that, you should definitely take FUCKITALL, in fact, you should take a double dose. I’ve met a lot of you out there in this great big ‘ol world of ours, and judging by the sample size I’ve come across, I can safely say most of you could get away with taking three doses. For cops, the recommended dose is four, but, please, feel free to take nine just in case. Some of you are sadistic assholes, and, frankly, we’re tired of it and we don’t want to take a chance.
End of commercial.
Well, what do you think? Awesome, right? Thought so. If there is anything else I can do to help keep our Industry strong and profitable, please feel free to contact me, or, better yet, I’ll keep in touch. I know where you live.
Signed, A stockholder