An open letter to the trees:
I’m sorry, guys. I thought I was doing the right thing. If I would have known how my fifty dollar donation to the Sierra Club would result in such a trail of eco-negligence, I would have kept ‘ol Ulysses in my pocket and planted a couple of saplings instead. In the long run, I suppose we would have both been better off.
My eco-irony passion play began six months ago when I gave fifty bucks to the Sierra Club to help save a couple of trees, or put in a hot tub for an endangered beaver, or take a needy gazelle out to lunch, – you know, something nice.
The point is, I really didn’t expect to receive anything in return.
Man, was I wrong.
Apparently, it’s true, no good deed goes unpunished. My fifty bucks came back one hundred fold, and not in a good way. Apparently, somewhere along the line my information was sold, shared, whatever…, – name, age, address, the works. Within weeks, my puny little mailbox was inundated with junk-mail from every well-meaning organization under the sun. And, not just letters, mind you. They sent plastic rulers and plastic calendars, inflatable beach balls and cheap Chinese backpacks, – amid pounds, and pounds of mail, – imploring me to save everything from snails to whales. And, if it’s not too much trouble, could I possibly help sponsor a village in Africa? Or send a doctor to Papa New Guinea? Did you know there is an orphanage for left-handed dyslexic albino ferrets in Kentucky that is badly in need of a new air conditioning unit before summer?
Sure, put me down for two…
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they’re all worthy causes, every last one of them, but, what’s scuffing my wingtips here, what’s sticking in my craw, what’s put the burr in my britches, - I’ve gotten more mail in the past six months from every non-profit under the sun than I’ve gotten in my past five lifetimes, combined No kidding, now my mailman hates me, – blames me for his bad back. He hides my checks and makes sure my bills are the first pieces of mail I see. All because I wanted to save a few redwoods.
Here’s a thought…, Hey, Sierra Club, in the interest of the environment, – and, I’m talking about the ocean’s plastic garbage patches here, why couldn’t you have just shot me an e-mail saying, “Thanks for the fifty, mind if we e-mail you next year? And, oh yeah, here’s a bunch of other organizations we think are pretty cool and you might want to support them. Just check the appropriate box and they’ll drop you an e-mail.” Ever heard of opt-in? It’s a better proposition for the environment, see, this way we can avoid the few tons of unsolicited junk mail and cheap plastic trinkets of enticement everyone with a cause seems to see fit to send us. (ooooh, shiny bauble, I must join!)
But, I digress…
So, once again, my leafy friends, I’m sorry. I truly am. And, as an act of contrition, I’ve gathered up a few handfuls of acorns and I’ve been planting them all over town for about a week now, – playgrounds, public parks, people’s front lawns, you know, wherever the spirit of goodness and community hits me. I hope that makes us even, and to the Sierra Club, if you’re reading, and you happen to be wondering, – no, you don’t get my fifty bucks this year, it’s the least I could do for the trees.
Ever heard of e-mail?
